Miscarriage
It took me about a month to be able to get back to my blog and even now my creativity and drive isn’t where it used to be. I’m writing this in hopes that I can work towards some normalcy in my life and work and to support other women who have had a miscarriage.
At 9 weeks I had some bleeding; I was a little worried but it didn’t seem like excessive bleeding, maybe semi heavy period type bleeding and I didn’t see any tissue nor did I experience any cramping or pains. I called my midwife and she said that I should be okay but if I was worried I could get an ultrasound but to know that even if they detected anything was wrong there was nothing they could do. They said that if I had had sex then that might be the cause or just some women have vaginal bleeding during pregnancy, I decided that I didn’t want to do an ultrasound for nothing.
The next week we were scheduled for our first appointment with at the Birth Center and we were excited, since we had agreed on no ultrasounds we wanted a blood test to check the babies gender and DNA to make sure all was well and a friend was going to throw us a gender reveal party. The midwife wanted to use the doppler to see if we could hear the heartbeat but we couldn’t hear anything, she told us to not worry because at 10 weeks it still maybe a little early to hear the heartbeat. The next afternoon we got a call saying that my hCG (pregnancy hormone) was at 0.6 instead of the normal 15,000-200,000 for 10 weeks pregnant, this had meant the bleeding I had the previous week was a miscarriage. As she was saying this I felt like I was a million miles away and that this couldn’t be happening, than I just broke and cried all day. Since my husband took the call he was able to schedule another blood test for the next day to see if the test was wrong. We went in on Friday for the retest and didn’t hear back until Monday afternoon and were told the testing came out the same.
I had cried some throughout the weekend but I think we were both in denial in the hopes that it wasn’t true. It felt so broken, so lost, I felt a pain of losing someone that I had never felt before, it felt different than when I lost my grandfather, different than when I had lost my mother. My husband and I had been talking about and he felt the same way as I did. We didn’t feel the full reality of the loss until that Thursday when we announced the loss, when we did it broke us both, all drive to eat, to get off the couch, to work or do anything was gone.
If you have read my previous blog posts you know that having a baby meant so much to me, I had prepared my body, my home, my husband haha for this day. Rob was a little scared at first and up until recently he didn’t know if he wanted to have children. The day he found out I was pregnant that all changed and he was excited, he was in love with our child already. He told me that I was giving him something he never knew he wanted. The day we got the confirmation of pregnancy we announced it because we were so excited, we were in love with this beautiful baby I was growing. After we had found out that I had a miscarriage people were coming over and asking how the baby was and it would break me each time so that is when we decided to make the announcement so we wouldn’t have to continue to tell everyone each time someone sees us.
I feel very lucky because I had the miscarriage at 9 weeks and not later because I had no significant pains, no cramping and I didn’t need medical intervention to remove the placenta or fetus. The only pain was in my husband and I’s heart. It took about 2 weeks for me to get off the couch and go for walks and get to eating normal again. I told myself I need to stay strong and healthy so that when we can conceive again I am ready but it was so hard to force myself to eat and to move, I felt so heavy, so weak.
A beautiful friend came to have dinner with us and told us a story in the hopes to help us with our pain. Souls get stuck here living out their Karma; My husband and I had shown this baby the love it needed to be able to move on from this world. That we were angels and had supported a soul to feel true love. After she told us this I did feel better, I felt lighter, I felt less guilt. Its unfortunate but miscarriage is pretty common; 1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage, even with the commonality of it women don’t speak of it, and it doesn’t make the hurt any less. I had felt guilty to a point that I had done something wrong, that I had caused the miscarriage but after that beautiful story I felt free of that guilt. My life mission is to support people, to create a healthier planet and I was able to do that for this soul.
Each day was hard; as my body hadn’t changed, I still had a little tummy and no more bleeding. Each day waiting to see what would happen, would I pass more blood and things, when would I start my period. Worried what would happen and if I would break down and cry in front of other people but also wanting to be strong to support my husband who had not broken down yet. He felt left out because most everyone asked about me but not how he was doing, and he wasn’t doing good. He felt like crying during the worst possible times, like when in public or when he was with a client.
A month later I started my period; one of the worst periods I had had, the second worst and best day of my life. I had a migraine for 3 days, back pain, cramping, nausea and so tired. It reaffirmed that we had lost the baby and I felt a deep sadness in my heart by this again but it was amazing because it meant by body was healing and getting back to normal so we could conceive again.
For the women, the couples, anyone struggling with having a miscarriage know that you are not alone, find someone to talk to, to cry with. Know that you are an angel and you have supported a beautiful soul. I know it hurts and I know that this hurt will never go away but we will have our Rainbow Babies and make this world a brighter place for it.
